A reader of mine recently asked how she could be better at thinking during an argument and standing up for herself. Thank you for the question! It means a lot that you are my first reader to pose a question. So thank you.
Try to visualize the emotional part of an argument this way: there are currents/flows (think 3 dimensional river) and pillars. Most arguments entail people being flown along with the currents, either from their own emotion or some else’s – these currently can clash (this is where heated discussions tend to happen). It is very easy to be in an emotional flow state while in this rollercoaster of a ride.
The pillars are strong and tall, and stand against the current. They can be knocked over sometimes, but can also reform. One is usually here by observing what is happening in the argument and not being swept up in it.
Sometimes someone is buried by the current. They are stuck under its flow and every time the try to get out, the current snaps them right back. This is a place where fear and/or pain typically overflow.
What allows someone to rise out of this current and stand on a pillar? It usually starts with a realization of what is happening in the argument and mentally standing tall. If this is difficult then try observing the argument like a third person would.
Think of it as a realization of what is happening in the moment and deciding to take a broader look at the conversational surroundings.
Then speak from that pillar with a calm strength, and the current will usually slow. Where can this strength come from? You are observing this person going off on you, while letting their current slide past you, and they probably don’t fully realize how much current they are throwing your way. The current doesn’t control where you stand relative to the current, in the argument, you do.
What about from the other person’s point of view? What can capture someone’s attention while riding rapids in a boat? Landmarks. In this picture, a pillar is a landmark. So be the landmark that calms and speaks life into that argument.
This is the place where you can look at what might have triggered the other person; try to see where their emotional current is coming from.
It is at that moment, when the currents have calmed, that you can speak your story with maximal effect. Be honest and genuine with how you do it, while remaining the calm pillar.
Sometimes it helps to see where a person is coming from or what nerve you have hit. For example, have you hit on their need for security and threatened it in some way? What about their sense of competency? Have you made them feel inadequate, unintelligent or otherwise inferior? Have you triggered something from the past that started out like this and ended badly? Any time you touch someone’s deep emotions, you are going to get a strong emotional reaction. Sometimes if you can figure out what you “hit’ you can address that and get the person to calm down and have a more rationale decision. Easier said than done.